I’m not going to make a habit out of posts written by ChatGPT, but this one resulted from a funny confluence of a recent, 100 percent human, rocket tier list and a Whats App notification that a Malachite whale was in the vicinity.
At first I was confused, because I’d never heard of a Malachite whale before; a quick Google clarified it wasn’t a type of a whale but a specific, named humpback. This of course made me curious about whether humpbacks travel in pods like Orcas or band together to pilot spaceships.
Turns out humpbacks are “generally more solitary”; whereas, Orcas:
- Are among the most social of all marine mammals.
- They live in pods, which are stable family groups that can include multiple generations.
- Some populations (like resident orcas in the Pacific Northwest) have highly organized social hierarchies, dialects, and coordinated hunting techniques passed down through generations.
- Their pod bonds are long-term — many orcas stay with their mothers for life.
Aside: not the best parallel structure there, robot.
Adam: “So you’re saying orcas are the best of all whales? Let’s have some fun make a tier list ranking of whales.”
(The rest is from ChatGPT, without indent.)
🐋 S-Tier (Legendary Whales)
Orca (Killer Whale)
The total package — social masterminds, apex predators, family-oriented, and sleek. Cultural diversity, strategy, power, beauty — they’ve got it all.
“The Batman of the sea.”
Humpback Whale
Incredible singers, acrobatic jumpers, and oddly heroic (they’ve been seen saving other animals from predators). Migrations thousands of miles long just to sing and show off.
“The bard with biceps.”
🐳 A-Tier (Iconic and Noble)
Blue Whale
The largest animal to ever live — how do you top that? Gentle, majestic, awe-inspiring, though not very social or showy.
“The quiet legend.”
Sperm Whale
Deepest diver, huge brain, clicks like a Morse code machine, and has that classic “Moby Dick” mystique. Serious ocean philosopher energy.
“The brooding intellectual.”
🐬 B-Tier (Cool but Niche)
Beluga Whale
Playful, expressive, and they “talk”! Extremely cute, very social, but hang out in cold spots and don’t get enough credit outside of aquariums.
“The extroverted snowball.”
Narwhal
That tusk alone gives it mythic status — but otherwise pretty shy and secretive. Basically the unicorn of the sea, but doesn’t always live up to the hype.
“Looks magical, lives quietly.”
🦈 C-Tier (Respectable Background Characters)
Gray Whale
Migrates forever, covered in barnacles, gets the job done but not exactly glamorous.
“The gritty underdog.”
Minke Whale
The smallest baleen whale — fine, but sort of the minivan of whales. Reliable, modest, not a lot of star power.
“The middle manager of the ocean.”
🫥 D-Tier (We still love you, but…)
Fin Whale
Second largest after the blue whale, but somehow always gets overshadowed. Fast, sure — but not a ton of personality.
“The quietly competent cousin.”
Bowhead Whale
Can live 200+ years, which is wild, but mostly just hangs out in Arctic slush minding its own business.
“The wise hermit.”
Aside: If you compare, the text put Orcas and Humpbacks in S-tier, but its graphic put Humpbacks in A-tier and then shifted every other whale down one tier. (Although it correctly put Narwhal in B-tier.)